The last time, for the thousandth time.

 

Once again I think about the little yellow bottle hidden away in my drawer.
Once again I tell myself this will be the last time I give in.
I can fight this,
I can be strong,
just not right now.
It weighs too much,
this plethora of feelings I’m buried under.
I wish I had learned to swim so I wouldn’t drown in myself.
One pill left,
‘I don’t need you.’ I tell it
but I shouldn’t turn away my only friend should I?
‘Untangle me from this Gordian knot I’ve become.’
I beg as I swallow in one gulp.
The water feels dry.
One more empty little yellow bottle for the bin filled with all the other empty little yellow bottles.
I could never throw them away.
How could I?
They were my savior after all.
‘The last time.’ I tell myself.
The last time, for the thousandth time.

-Saif.